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These are not real feelings or emotions

When people are asked how they are feeling, some common answers include:

‘I feel good .. bad... Fine ..OK.. all right .. rotten  great.. down .. up ..’

But these are not about actual emotions. Rather, they are safe ways to avoid sharing real feelings.

They are a sign their rational mind is doing the talking not their feeling side. They describe a logical analytical thought about how that person THINKS they are feeling.

An interpretation of another person’s feelings as for example ‘I feel you don’t care’ is not describing the speaker’s own feelings which might be sadness, fear, pain, vulnerability or anger.

A statement ‘I feel you are lying’ is a thought, not a feeling.

Adding any kind of  ‘because’ weakens the authentic expression of that feeling

‘I’m feeling sad because you are so angry’ is not expressing a true feeling.

It’s much the same with a prediction about what another  person might do, ‘I feel afraid you are going to leave me.’

Any statement suggesting a feeling that includes the words ‘you’ or ‘because’ suggests the rational mind or another one of the inner selves is probably doing the talking.

The inner selves are also inclined to attribute the cause of our emotions to another person (He makes me feel ...) or as an outcome of things the selves are doing, assigning the reason for the feeling to the inner selves’ actions (‘When I am doing this I feel ...When you do that I feel .....’).

Use Authentic ‘I’ statements

An ‘I’ statement free of ‘you’ or  ‘because’ or any other kind of explanation is the most authentic way of  sharing a description about a feeling verbally.

Sharing a grown up explanation:

“When I hear you say _ _ _ _ _ _  _  then I feel _  _ __ _ _  _ “  is not describing what you are actually feeling. It’s a sharing data, reporting about your feeling.

A person in an aware grown up state talks about his or her feelings more inwardly. It might just be ‘I feel joy’ or ‘About that I feel.........’

Better still, they might describe their aware, grown up state of being.
‘I am happy’,

‘I am angry)  


A Quick way to reduce the Feelings of Vulnerability connected with expressing a Feeling

History has taught us that not  talking about any kind of problem helps that problem grow stronger. On the other hand, talking openly about a problem usually reduces the power of that problem.

The more a problem increases our vulnerability, the more important it is to bring it out into the open, to talk about it. But too often those high vulnerability issues are the same ones that don’t get brought up and aren’t talked about.

An old negative core belief is a good example.

Just hiding and holding on to one of these old feelings of  fear or shame can create the some of the worst problems in your life.

Because those old feelings are closely related to your deepest vulnerability. So they remain hidden, not talked about and that means they grow and grow.

The good news. Once you name your old painful feeling it begins to lose its power.

The more you talk about it openly, the weaker it becomes. You feel less vulnerable.Then you can balance it with a positive feeling.