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Here are some of the most common kinds of boundaries that people can use. Remember using boundaries is a natural and normal activity. The only reason most people don't do this naturally is because no one taught them how or gave them an example to follow.
Boundaries shield you from other people’s negative energy or control. But they also work the other way, by helping you to contain your own energies that might be too strong for others. In an ideal situation, both parties have strong enough aware grown up boundaries to protect themselves and each other at the same time.
Visualising a boundary -
1. Visualise a ‘Safe Place’ and go there in your mind when you need to protect yourself. If necessary surround it with an electrified fence or steep mountains to keep unsafe people out and see yourself protected behind the barrier.
2. Visualise a castle with a moat, an island or a small planet that belongs only to you.
3. Visualise a strong protector person, a Guardian or a Warrior Woman/Man or a Protector animal. Use inner self dialogue to talk to them about how they can protect you best.
4. See yourself sitting on a throne or a very high chair above everyone else.
5. Visualise a strong shield that you or your warrior self can hold in front of you to deflect triggers and all the different kinds of negative energy listed at the top of this page. Visualise what your shield would be made out of. What substance would you choose to protect you the most effectively?
6. Giant deflector -
6. The Magic Cartoon Boundary -
Think back to a scene from your real life where someone was yelling at you or criticising you.
Visualise it now. Hear the words and the tone of voice. Now imagine the voice of that angry critic in the scene changing until it sounds like the voice of your favourite cartoon character! Feel the difference!
You can continue if you want to and visualise them looking like a cartoon character as well. If it was a really bad memory for you, changing the scene to black and white instead of colour and from a moving to a still picture helps make the boundary stronger.
Creating actual or physical distance -
Distance is a healthy boundary as long as it does not become a wall. That means you must still be able to communicate despite the distance. If you need to create physical distance do so quietly, never with drama.
1. Move quietly away saying as you do so, “I need to move away from you a bit more to be comfortable.”
2. Standing up quietly without saying anything so that your eyes are higher than the other person’s is another good way to set a physical boundary.
3. Use your hands to set a limit in terms of distance or to shape an imaginary shield around you.
4. Exile or Pilgrimage -
Using actual object or structure as a boundary
1. You can sit behind a desk or table top to create a boundary.
2. Moving into a single bed is another way of setting a physical boundary, as long as you do so quietly and in a more aware more grown up way.
3. Closing a door can create the same kind of physical boundary.
Creating energy shields
1. Energetic Shields -
2. Force field -
Using words to set verbal boundaries
1. Saying ‘I don’t Think So’ instead of ‘No’
2. Saying “I need time to think about that.”
3. Saying “I refuse to let you take my power”
4. Handing it Back -
4. Using positive confrontations
Asking for ‘time out’
1. ‘Time out’ involves a prior contract between two people. By previous agreement both are committed to honouring any ‘time out’ request by the other partner.
This means that when one person says “I need ten minutes ‘time out’” the other person agrees and accepts (automatically, immediately and without discussion) to stop arguing or pressuring or whatever they were doing for the next ten minutes.
The aim is to give both people time to calm their own inner selves down and re-
Both people need to be committed in advance to honouring the ‘time out’ arrangement.
The only exception is if the request for time out is unreasonably long (over an hour) suggesting that the request might be more about postponing the issue rather than a true request for time out. In this case the person being asked to agree might offer “I can’t give you two hours, I have to leave for work at eight-
Functional more aware more grown up integrated selves
1. Self Awareness -
2. Aware grown up Boundary -
3. Higher Power Support as a Boundary
Personal and impersonal energies and boundaries
Something else that affects boundaries is the degree of personal or impersonal energy involved in the exchange. These two very different energies can help or harm your ability to use boundaries as a health professional or facilitator or to enhance intimacy in a close relationship.
Personal Energy -
Personal energy has very little to offer in terms of boundary protection. So people with strong personal energy connect very easily, sometimes too easily with others. They make friends far more quickly than those with high impersonal energy, they are very popular and well liked.
The trouble for them comes if they do not also have strong impersonal energy (to create good boundaries) when they want to disconnect later.
The only protection available in place of boundaries is to call on protector selves that specialise in distancing, criticism, anger, shaming, blaming or aggression and which will set up walls as a substitute for boundaries or cause others to withdraw .
Create your own Personal boundary System
One of these will work for you
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|Introduction to Being the Real Me|
|Getting Real step by step|
|Define yourself - How?|
|Winning the Struggle - Stories|
|Signs of not being Real|
|Create your own Boundary System|
|Six Key Life Skills|
|Personal and Impersonal Styles|
|Power and Control|
|You Doing You Being and You Having|
|Vulnerability is Real|
|Unique One-off individual|
|Power and Control|
|Being vs Doing|
|Make things happen|
|Narcissistic Behaviour Patterns|
|Real feelings and Emotions|
|Not real feelings|
|Core Belief Balancing|